I’ve always been in search of true love.

I’ve always been in search of true love. I started this pursuit because I had experienced deep regret based on past memories. I needed to know if what I was feeling was true. I told myself I would not stop until I had my answer. That level of commitment meant I was willing to overcome and endure any obstacle no matter how painful.

She once told me that I’d make her happy. Hearing that was so powerful and I’ve never forgotten it. So much so, it haunted me years later through the regret of inaction. I had to follow this calling to happiness. It was not only the chance to love someone but also the chance to be loved.

I remembered how she always used to believe in me at a time when not many others did. As a young person who was not used to much kindness or praise, this level of belief without reason meant the world. It helped shape how I saw myself. I wholeheartedly believed I had finally found someone who truly understood me.

None of it was true. The person who was meant to mean everything now means nothing. All precious memories from the past have been exposed and stripped of their meaning. Beliefs I’ve held close for over a decade; decimated. I’ve been more alone than I ever realised. The feeling I carried around in my heart, was never there. I meant / mean nothing to her. Never did I think I’d find so much pain in the one person who was supposed to love me.

All I found was a veneer of empty words. She may have originally seen something in me, but it was only on the surface and most definitely not a true understanding of who I am. I envisaged her as the female version of myself, mainly because she writes poetry. It’s not true. She’s just a person who’s had a few feelings and put them down on a piece of paper. It doesn’t mean she’s like me in every aspect of life. She isn’t.

In regards to her saying I’d make her happy that came about after she’d witnessed the way I was handling a difficult relationship at the time. Easy to be enticed by such a display of admirable traits, but when it came to it in real life, and I treated her as such, it wasn’t enough. I gave her my love. She made her choice and it wasn’t me.

Waiting for her was deeply painful but I always chose to see the best in her no matter the situation or evidence. I believed I was writing the start of my love story and acted as such. Waiting however, was not for her — it was for me. I owed myself the answer, so I never gave up. The process, long wait and the hurt that followed was necessary to prove that I am meaningless to her and always have been.

After the pain, I felt that one day she will look back on our time spent conversing and appreciate just how much I tried. Whilst recognising all the obstacles I overcame just to have a chance to make her happy. After deep reflection, the truth is the obstacles I faced and overcame were not tests from the world or her environment. All I was trying to overcome was her lack of interest in me.

The whole situation was a surprise to her because she isn’t who I thought she was. — And if the person I thought I was writing to doesn’t exist, then nothing has been lost. I always believed in a true romance and this story perfectly lived up to the vision in my head. She’s found her place in history but not where I imagined.

This is not the the loss of a person, this is the loss of an idea, a belief, a comfort. All those years I walked alone unknowingly, but the truth is, it was me all along. I am self motivated with purpose. When you dedicate yourself to the pursuit of true love, you open up your mind to every possibility. To only follow what feels right. I’ve come to remember through the warmth of friends that falling in love should be fun. This wasn’t.

No matter how much this has hurt me (which is a lot), it will still hurt less than the future regret of inaction. Now I have obtained clarity through pain, I can resume the search to find my true love and one day come home to where I belong. I followed my heart and I would do it again.